| not feeling it. |
[03 Dec 2009|06:26pm] |
so much has happened by way of story telling and events in my life since the last time i posted that i feel like it would be too much trouble to catch up. that combined with the fact that every time i say i'm going to catch up with an update it gets so long and complicated that i just give up, further burying myself down a hole.
but every so often i write an entry in my mind that i mean to put here. its not that i dont want to write here, its that it gets harder and harder to keep up with everything, and this is supposed to be intentional not obligational.
i do wish to write, i think soon i'll update for real.
~~~
~~
~
|
|
| looking around. |
[15 Aug 2009|03:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Honey Trees - Orchard |
] |
there's a quote from a t.v. show i like, the lead says,
"i shame ate the whole pizza... i fell asleep and when i woke up my sheets looked like what they wrap deli sandwiches in"
this quote is meant to be funny and it gets a laugh when people hear it, but it really describes how i feel with my life right now, not in the sense that i've shame eaten a pizza recently but that his emotions towards his actions reflect me towards my life right now.
shame walking through the motions to get to the next day.... waking up in the muck of my own demise....
i keep saying the next part of my life is due to start at some point and i just keep wondering... when the hell i'll get around to it... it's not like i expect it to just come knocking on my doorstep or anything, i know damn well i need to step up and make it happen. i just wonder when the self loathing will wear off and i'll actually have the balls to go for it. ugh....
i was so art driven for awhile there, and my finances started slipping so i had to focus on work and i lost it dammit.... not in the sense like i'll never create again but i'm in this rut of all ruts and i'm pissed. being pissed doesnt help because i feel like a little kid throwing a shit fit and i need to calm down and focus. which only further pisses me off....
even now i feel cowardly complaining to the nothing that is the internet. praying that one day future me will look back on this and laugh.
will you look at this and laugh?
in the end i'll look back and say i was a young artist, living life shift to shift, piano keys on the mind and dreams for miles, i wouldnt pay a certain bill so i could eat dinner that night... or i'd go hungry a night to keep the roof up. one day i'll look back and see myself the indy hero of the movies i'll make, the hopeless romantic who loved and lost, suffered and lived. through all of it though, i'll look back and remember that i was all of those things and none of them...
just a scared kid with a dream...
one day i'll look back on this,
and i'll laugh.
~~~
~~
~
|
|
| 2 a.m. |
[14 Aug 2009|02:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exanimate |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence. |
] |
Alright, quick life happenings update,
Shadow of the colossus; Normal Time Attack Mode = COMPLETE and i'm 2 colossus down in Hard Time Attack Mode, white aggro here i come.
i havent been writing new music, but i have been recording and playing alot lately, which is a good sign, i keep telling myself to stop trying to write new stuff anyway, i really need to focus on the things i already have, i honestly couldnt tell you how many tracks i have that are not even close to being finished as it is. bleh.
so tuesday night Lindsay comes over and she's beautiful and gorgeous and we start talking about things and i do what i always do, i start thinking about the things that would cause chaos in the relationship rather then just SHUTTING THE FUCK UP. however, we actually talk progress and the conversation ends nicely, it was rather ideal in that sense, i proceed to throw her onto my bed a few hours pass and she goes home.
enter wednesday, i wake up, kill some colossus, eat some breakfast, take a shower, get ready, Lindsay calls, we have plans to hang out all day and then go and see our favorite band, The Honey Trees, amazing myspace band, you dont know them yet (you will) she comes over, looking SO fucking sexy, good gawd. we were trying to decide if we should go out and do something before the show or watch a movie and then head to the show, i was just mostly admiring her body and kissing her hahaha, she kept stopping me and telling me to decide so we could go and do it, i honestly no longer cared. i would've felt bad though, ruining her hard worked look before we even went out to use it.
fast forward and we're at the griffith park observatory, AMAZING, view, architecture, exhibits just awesome. the sun is setting and the show starts in 20 mins so we head back down the hill into hollywood, they're playing at The Hotel Cafe, we're in, we watch, perfection.
after the lead singer, Becky (who i totaly have a crush on) and the guitarist, Jake (who is totaly her boyfriend who i would hate for that fact alone if he wasnt so cool himself so i like him), are over at the front selling things, Lindsay and i head over and talk we chit chat about little things, big things, writing songs, their next shows, i then proceed to offer them to come down to my pad and record some music,(they live in norcal) they say hell yeah, we need to set it up.
i dont know that it will happen, but either way its beautiful to imagine and even more so if it comes true, i'm not holding my breath.
it's late, we head home, i go to the bathroom and come out to find her on the couch snugging a pillow and its the most adorable thing ever, walking around in heels i guess has it's toll. in any case we spend an hour making out on my bed as she's falling asleep, hahaha, she heads home and the next day its back to work....
today was rather eventless and boring, i worked in the morning, Lindsay worked at night, i played the piano for a few hours, caught up on some tivo-ed shows and now i'm here clearing my mind for sleep.
goal for tomorrow = the return of my XBOX! damn red ring of death put me out of commission for a while, but tomorrow it's back baby. The honey trees invited me to a house party tomorrow night, do i go? i dont know, i'd rather wait until Lindsay gets off and spend the night with her but she might be too tired anyway.
i'll decide tomorrow.
~~~
~~
~
|
|
| in a funk. |
[09 Aug 2009|02:37am] |
these past few days have been rough, i've been moping around like i have something to be sad about, i really dont... and the worst part is i'm wasting so much time. i really just want to slap myself and say WAKE UP.
there's a lot i want to go into, but to be honest i'd feel like i was putting something else more important on hold, just to bitch about how i'm putting too many things on hold.
it's late, i'm going to sleep, hopefully next time i'm on here i'll have something different to say.
~~~
~~
~
P.S. i cant stop playing shadow of the colossus...
help me....
hahahaha, white aggro, i shall get you.
|
|
| old habbits die hard. |
[04 Aug 2009|10:58am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hide and Seek |
] |
so i knew that relationships were something that i was avoiding for a long time, and one of the main reasons is the fact that they're a lot of work, and rightfully so, i mean two people trying to live their lives, either together or while spending a certain amount of time together if not the majority of their free time.
in any case for the past few years i've been very selfish and driven and it hasnt really made me a better person, or helped me succeed anymore. i'm just at a point where i'm feeling very depressed all the time and i'm trying to pin point exactly where its coming from, i like to fix the root of a problem, not just cure the symptoms.
i do enjoy the way things are going lately though, like with Lindsay and musically, even work has gotten to a point where its not something i worry about, and that's good, i think i'm finally easing into something i can sustain and appreciate, i just need to get rid of this bull shit no reason depression, Lindsay seems to think its me letting my emotions take control of my thoughts, and i'm too full of passion, and this might be true, i do need to take control of myself sometimes.
~~~~~~~~
yesterday was the example that i can ruin a day that could've been good because i'm fucking crazy. luckily the woman that's more amazing then you know was there to set me straight.
i'll write about it later,
today is my day off, and there's things to be done.
~~~
~~
~
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|
| waiting. |
[31 Jul 2009|01:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
random things in my head. |
] |
it's one of those days where i'm waiting to go to work...
i hate night shifts.
it's 1:30 and i've been awake for quite some time, there was things that i wanted to do today but have yet to achieve them, and time is running out before i have to leave for work, i dont really see myself getting done what i wanted to.
not really anything other then what i expected, sadly.... Lindsay usually works friday nights with me which means we would've done something today but she's on some church camp out thing, her friends wanted to drag her along and she really cant say no to nature, at least not as easily as i can. hahaha.
i have a good idea of exactly how i'm going to accomplish the things i wanted to though, i've been spending nights doing the prep work, figuring out the tricky parts, now i just need to actually record some things, and edit and export so i can put them on the internet.
the people that were waiting are not waiting anymore, and the music that was heard has completely changed, and all my previous ideas are something new.
without expectations i'll finish what i want to finish, release what i want to release.
for now however, i'm still waiting to go to work...
~~~
~~
~
*intermission*
p.s. i stumbled upon something involving Iris.... its interesting to me to see her, if only in photograph, our brief waltz was an interesting one at that. when i think back i had more emotions then i let her know, when she ended it, i let her and didnt try to stop her... i think she resented me because of that.... i think if i could go back, i would give her the attention she wanted, because i didnt know it then, but i wanted it too.
*end*
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| i thought we had a deal....? |
[28 Jul 2009|02:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Dangier - EIN |
] |
so at the beginning of the month i set out a little list for myself, to keep me "busy" i guess you could say, and usually when i find myself without things to do, i actually turn to these little lists and start checking things off. i wouldnt call it a full proof plan or anything, but having a "due date" if you will just keeps me on track.
without going into full detail however, i havent even really come close to finishing what i said i was going to, now there's a part of me that wants to focus on the elements that deal with working with other people, people that have been out of town or busy doing other things. now while its true i couldnt finish those things, there is a large portion of the list that has nothing to do with anyone other then myself. i guess my mind just wants to find someone else to blame... heh.
tonight i find myself frustrated that i have yet to finish things i know i've had time to finish.
while its unlikely i'll finish everything on the list in four days, that doesnt mean trying isnt going to help me in the long run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the day begins at 9:00 a.m. i'm rolling in and out of sleep because i spent the night playing p-world, a habit thats getting worse, i think my lack of inspiration and unfulfilment in my real life has caused me to form an attachment to something with an artificial sense of accomplishment, or maybe i've always been a gamer and this is just me in a playing games moment, i havent decided yet.
9:45 hits and i'm finally up and out of bed, my shift doesnt start until noon, its a half ass station and i'm almost sure i'm going to be called off, i start to get ready anyway, i figure i'll call at 11:30, rather then leaving at 11:15 like i usually would, that way if they need me i can still make it on time, and if they dont need me i wont feel like i started driving or was already there and wasted gas. funny enough at 11:15 they call me, and i suddenly have the day off.
now a different version of me i'm sure would take advantage of this, using this time wisely and effectively but as it turns out, i'm at a frame of mind to waste time and anything time related.
lord.
mostly just playing games, there was a subway run in there some where, finished watching a movie i couldnt sit through the other night because Lindsay came over.
4:30 p.m. hits and i feel like i should attempt at something productive, so i sit at the piano for 20 mins, NO success.... text Lindsay to see if she wants to hang out, there's a movie i really want to take her to see.
she's on her way to work....
which i knew but had forgotten and then remembered as i sent her the text.
back to video games it is! only this time, xbox! Gears of War, the game of masters and legends alike, a few rounds of beating the shit out of people and i realize how i'm even bored of games....
when did get to this state? how did i find myself here.... i dont know.
before i know what happened midnight hits and i'm surfing the web while going through notes and files of the things i need to finish before the end of the month, and as only the internet can make it, 2 hours have passed and i'm here writing this while listening to the unfinished songs i need to edit/rerecord getting inspired as only i can when i should be asleep.
9:00 am tomorrow and it starts again, only this time my shift is required and i'll be there at 10:30. yay me.
when i get home i'll want to play the games... but instead i shall focus on the music.
i'll let you know...
~~~
~~
~
|
|
| angry. |
[25 Jul 2009|01:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dreaming of her kisses. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Franz Ferdinand - What you Meant. |
] |
its 1:55 in the morning and i have to be up in five hours to make this stupid meeting at 8 a.m. tomorrow. i'm contractually obligated not to say what it is, not because its secret but because i'm speaking negatively about it. so unless i say something good about i cannot tell you what it is.
its fuckng gay, not entertaining in any way, and i can think of a million different ways it could be done more efficiently then requiring us to be punctual to an event we're so desperately trying to avoid.
god this is gay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
so as a day off i'd say it was pretty productive, i woke up around 9, not bad for a non work day. Going through the usually morning routine was better then usual as tesla felt the need to bake some cinnamon pastries, they were delicious, and right as i got out of the shower i receive a phone call from non other then my lovely saying to go outside she has a surprise for me.
i was excited to say the least, about 2 minutes go by and Lindsay rolls up and she steps out holding a paper towel with something wrapped up inside, i'm smiling because i know its baked goods, and she opens it up to reveal 2 freshly baked muffins, perfect. i throw my sunglasses off, (she doesnt like the fact that i'm not the biggest fan of the sun, HAH) set the muffins down and wrap my arms around her.
god she smells good....
me- "so are we going to the getty when you get off?"
L - "i cant, anna (her best friend since forever) is leaving tomorrow and we're hanging out tonight"
me- "k, call me later"
a little tatse of her lips, and a little more
L- "k, i'm going to be late!"
me - "ah, who cares?"
L- *smiles* "i do"
one last kiss, and she's gone.
getting surprised with muffins, AMAZING. the little things... i love.... the rest of the day follows with mindless things like washing clothes, paying bills, and running errands all around. it wasnt a particularly eventful day, but useful non the less.
some where in there i had a long heartfelt conversation with my dad, i need more of them, but less of the kind i had today... it made me sad... but that's another entry.
a little P-world to seal the night off and me trying to distract myself from the fact that i have to wake up so early to be at this gay meeting.
2 nights ago i sat at my piano for 2 hours trying to write, i should actually say i sat there for 2 hours accomplishing nothing. but hey i've written entire songs in the span of 10 minutes, i guess it all evens out. Tony is at his parents cabin, so no recording until tuesday.
Monday i have a meeting with Steve Eberheardt to hopefully, FINALLY finish off the photonight equipment i've been waiting for. i'll keep this informed as it happens.
but for now i'm off to bed.
~~~
~~
~
|
|
| break it down. |
[18 Jul 2009|10:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
after work. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Fray - Never say Never |
] |
the day begins at 12 a.m. i'm sitting on p-world (free mmo) doing a daily quest to level because i dont want to actually play, 1 a.m. rolls around and i decide i need to write some music. i have 2 instrumental piano pieces but i'm not happy with them, and i dont actually hear them becoming photonight songs anyway, Lindsay likes one of them, maybe i'll keep it.
back track a few days and you would see me at the board and a violinist at the mic, that's right my friends, i'm now the proud friend of a woman who plays the violin, incredibly well, and her name is Harmony. brilliant.
back to me at 1.am at the piano, i have music i need her for already written, but in typical Angier fashion i need to write new music for my new toy. she's not a toy and her help is more appreciated then i could possibly type here.
anyway, i'm playing and nothing happens, 4 in the morning rolls around and i was going to do my usualy 4 a.m. entry but i go to bed instead. alarm goes off and its 9 a.m, i have to leave for work in an hour, so i go through the motions and i'm on the road, i stop at sev (7-11) for an energy drink.
i'm on the clock from 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. the day is mostly a blur, nothing too important and nothing too bad. Lindsay texts me some where in there and i'm texting her until after i get home, she just said she's going to try and sleep because she's been sick all day and doesnt feel good. she'll be here at 10 tomorrow morning to hang out before we go to church. which i'm actually excited for because last week's lesson sucked d, and i'm hoping this one is actually better.
i rented that movie Defiance, the one with Daniel Craig as a resistance fighter in world war 2, sounds good but who knows? no one i know saw it and it kind of disappeared pretty fast, but the trailer looked cool so i'll watch it just to see.
i'm sitting here writing this mostly because i miss reading about the kind of life i live, i was reading back in my entries and its a whole lot of bitching, and crying about crap which is fine i guess, but it should be between entries about the things you do, not EVERY entry, which is what its been for.... i dont know a few years? haha, that's terrible.
anyway, i should just watch the movie and go to sleep, OR just go to sleep now, but i wont, after its over i'll probably log onto p-world for a quick sesh, then its to the piano as usual, i wont be updating because i'm doing that now.
tomorrow after church i need to remember to pay some bills, i hate getting trapped with fees for things you have the money to pay but just dont because you're lazy. i need to stop being lazy.
alright, time to finish off this day that's become far more useless then days have been for awhile.
~~~
~~
~
|
|
| thinking. |
[09 Jul 2009|05:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Elton John - Bennie and the Jets |
] |
Its funny how when you find someone you spend a lot of time with, they start taking notice of the little things that make you tick, and vice versa, your little habits, and tid bits. the part i like is when you start changing each other, slowly you start to turn off the habits the other person doesnt like and pick up ones that involve each other. i dont know.
Lindsay says my biggest problem is that i think too much, which i get, i understand and of all the things about myself i'm trying to change that's probably the one i'm leaving alone. now i know it has backfired some times, but when it comes to art, when it comes to the things i have passion for, it usually proves more useful then damaging.
when it applies to relationships, when it apply's to people, well then yeah, i know for a fact i over think things.BAH!!!!
i'm doing it right now.
its 4 in the morning and i'm writing in my journal, i JUST finished playing a session of perfect world (free MMO) and i should be asleep because i work tomorrow and yet here i am.
a lot of personal things have been going on lately, and while i dont feel compelled to document it here in my livejournal i do feel like writing the result of the events. more so how i feel.
its too late to write.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in the media i follow people have been bringing up the topic of "firsts" between couples, and this is a topic i hold very personal, mostly because a lot of my firsts in general were rushed and ungenuine for the most part.
every girl i've had sex with i didnt date more then 3 times. THIS i have a problem with, yes it takes two to tango and perhaps i could've prolonged it more, but is it wrong to want a girl who makes it a little tougher? a girl who gives a guy a little more mystery?
the fact that i'm currently involved with a woman who is waiting until she's married gives me a rush i've never had before, it makes every touch, every caress i manage feel like a little miracle, not that i'm trying anything more then the little touch i get, but it adds SO MUCH to the event, KNOWING that there will be no release, there will be no false prophet known as the orgasm that's more of a let down then anything.
sure i've had my fair share of intense sex that leaves you breathless and filled with so many natural drugs from your body that you cannot think straight, but how often does that happen in the real world? that's usually the case when you're comfortable with your partner, when you can anticipate someone, and when and IF you get to that point in a relationship, sex is usually the part of your relationship that suffers because of other aspects of your life and you end up breaking up anyway. casual sex is never as satisfying as comfortable sex, and i'm not the type of person to go around fucking random chicks anyway, exciting or not. its just in my experience, observing or participating, sex is never as fulfilling as its built up to be, and it certainly cannot be the basis for an entire relationship, getting everything else perfect ontop of sex will make it better, but it cannot go the other way around.
in any case, at the moment i'm not having any sex, and its a rush i've never felt, you know how in movies and tv, teens always talk about "oh yeah, we made out for hours" i NEVER understood this, because from the beginning of my make out sessions until just before my current fixation it always turned into something more sexual before even one hour could pass and i can honestly say this ultimate slow build up is far more my preference.
now QUICKLY tracing to vanessa days, i know there were periods i was overly sexual both towards her and other women, but it was pre 18 and people shouldn't be having sex before 18 for crying out loud, NOT to mention i wasn't as sexually abusive as i think i became until after she cheated on me, but looking back in a more psychological way, when she lost respect for herself by cheating on me and regretting it and attempting to commit suicide i lost all respect for her in the same way, her submissiveness only fueled my desire for revenge and allowed me to develop the subconscious idea that i could abuse her without consequence, none of this period was healthy for either party and ultimately ended up with her going to a mental institution and me irrationally acting out against EVERYONE. in conclusion all sexual activity involving this particular individual is regretted and something i wish i could take back.
my situation at the moment is just so damn peaceful, she's everything i'm looking for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
we edited the shots today.....
all i need to say is we did it....
Jairo and I did it, something we've been attempting for YEARS, we did it.
i'll post soon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the shots put us up to speed, we must push forward, i must keep this momentum.
~~~
~~
~
p.s. the reason i didnt get your second call emilia is because i was in the shower, and when i got out i had to leave to meet Lindsay and she didnt leave until late and yeah. call you soon though. SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!
|
|
| Tonight. |
[08 Jul 2009|02:17am] |
so my friends,
tonight we went on an AMAZING photo shoot, i say amazing because of where we were, i say amazing because of the photos we took, there were 2 things that would've made it a better shoot,
1.if eric was there.
2.if lindsay was there.
both of them there = more amazingness.
we got the traditional photonight shots, the city, a panoramic, beauty at its best basically, but the highlight was the band shots, i essentially told him i wanted the gay band shots you see all over myspace, typical we're cooler then you band shots.
not because this is how i feel, but because this is the image they want, this is what the target looks for, and if i must play their game, i'm going to do it better then they do. and my way of course.
bands will wish they knew where we were.
but of course they never will know.
i'lll post the pics here after jairo and i edit them.
night.
~~~
~~
~
|
|
| thinking about you. |
[06 Jul 2009|04:56am] |
i dont know what i'm allowed to think,
what i'm allowed to feel.
i dont know.
i miss you.
~~~
~~
~
|
|
| Happy Fourth of July. Thank you. |
[04 Jul 2009|10:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thankful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
John Williams - The Patriot Reprise |
] |
"Dear America,
i may not always agree with what you do, i may not always believe in what you say. i may not always agree with our leaders and i may not always agree with their actions. Dear America, i am someone who does not support or live the poster board "american vision" but believe me when i say that i would fight for you. America, i would bleed and give my life to ensure that everything we take for granted, everything we hold dear would remain free. i may not always agree with your policies, or your idea of how to pursue them, hell i may not always with agree with the peers that i call americans. Beyond all of this, America, regardless of what i think, what i feel, or what anyone feels, on this day i thank you for being the beauty that you are, for even through the hate and the disagreements, through the good times or the bad ones, through the criticisms through the jokes and satire, through it all, we remain the pillar of light and power at which the world looks for guidance, and that is a power i know in our hearts, my america we will prove we did not take for granted. Though i may not always agree with what happens here, or how any of it came to pass, the one thing i can always agree on, is my love for the men and women who from the moment the first bullet was shot, have lived, fought, and died to insure that while i may not always agree with how things are in this country i have the right, liberty and the freedom to disagree and the ability to stand up and change it. Thank you America, i am proud to be a citizen of the greatest country in the world, here, in the land of the free, and the home of the brave."
-R. Angier
July 4, 2009
|
|
| stupid energy drink. |
[29 Jun 2009|03:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 just tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
coldplay on repeat. |
] |
what is it with me posting at 4 in the morning? i honestly dont know....
well, we find ourselves in that familiar time of the month, seeing as i'm neither a woman or dumb enough to have unprotected sex, i'm going to assume you're smart enough to know what i'm NOT talking about. though... seeing as its the 29th i'm hoping (end of the month) someone facing real life problems knows what i'm talking about.
it's just, i've been fucked with money for so long now, its like how can i feel bad anymore? how can i stress ANYMORE? my level of fear and stress and worries is so high it really cant go any higher..... so i shall sit with this uneasy feeling and face these problems head on like i always do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
enough about that....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
why am i such a dick? i dont really know... i can often trace the root of the symptoms, the reasons why certain traits exist, but its often just another tentacle to the monster that is my douche bag of a personality, and not necessarily the root of problem.
i can trace my train of thought almost accurately.... something like this.
i set the bar for myself VERY high, (in certain aspects not involved in physical cosmetics) which causes me to constantly evaluate and judge my progression, which of course i'm never satisfied which calls for negative judgment and at times positive reinforcement but mostly just negative judgment. now without considering other peoples personal goals or even facts to support my assumptions i, very vaguely observe others and apply the same thought process i place on myself onto them, which while on a personal level i dont judge people, on a superficial overly asshole way i really do judge, and i judge quite harshly, and mostly it has nothing to do with personal interaction or even actual interest on my part, its just this almost habit thought process that happens when i meet someone, hell, when i see someone walking down the street.
now its not like i think negatively about everyone, which is a lie i actually do, its just that i set the standards so damn high for them that they could never reach. which is such an asshole thing to say on SO many levels but i'll address the two main ones, first, what gives me the right to assume that the standard i'm setting (which i shouldnt to begin with) is even high at all? why are the priorities i'm setting for these people even valuable at all? because i said so? who the fuck am i? Secondly why the fuck should these people, or ANYONE for that matter give a fuck about reaching the stupid standards of some dumb fuck 22 year old kid? why would that be a noteworthy goal? and even if it was, would EVERYONE go for it? i dont even consider what they want, maybe they ARE happy, maybe they have met THEIR standards.
i say again, why am i such a dick? reading this back its pretty honest.... its kind of hard to look at this and take myself serious... its kind of hard to look at this and think i deserve anything other then a big can of "wake the fuck up asshole"
but at the same time, how can i ever hope to change if i dont look the problem dead in the face? if i dont see it for myself and realize just how badly i need to fix these self deprecating demons.
this whole train of thought is going back to a show i played last night, in some back water black box theater, run by people who really didnt know what they were doing, and fueled by friends so blinded by their friendships their support may be more damaging then helpful.
i mean a million people in life will tell you you're not going to make it, a million people will doubt you, and a million people will make you feel worthless and even if you succeed you'll still believe them because you're seeking a dragon you will never catch,
but i'm talking about people who are genuinely untalented pursuing careers in an industry built on extortion and abuse, yes its possible to succeed without talent, its possible to succeed without much of anything at all..... but its not really fair to someone who does something unsuccessfully, genuine, but poorly to be told by someone who is lying by way of obligation that they have a shot at a career in that field.
now you could defend that statement by saying something like, "who are you to judge what is successful? art is subjective and if someone does something genuinely and is expressing themselves then its beautiful, and they could succeed no matter what as long as they believe" and thats fine.
i support expression i support art, but lets put it.in a more practical situation, ok, lets say this "artist" was a contractor, lets say his "art" was to build houses, now someone who is "successful" by my standards would be a contractor that built houses that were habitable and desirable in a sense that people wanted to buy them, people cared enough to use them by any means. he is a success. now lets take this "artist" that is expressing himself, putting everything that he has into his craft, but you know what, his houses... they dont stand, they're not operational, and most of them fall down shortly after being completed, no one will buy them, and most people feel like he's joking. he is not successful, he will never be successful and he should not pursue a career in contracting, by the information i have provided that is the basic conclusion and it would be unwise and more importantly unfair for his family or friends for that matter lie to him and tell him that he stands a chance in that business, that he has the opportunity to succeed. He is wasting passion and more importantly time, time he cannot get back no matter how passionate he was about succeeding.
i just find myself in situations where i meet people content in these little "bubble worlds" they've created for themselves and i really cant stand it. they have their hierarchy based on the interactions between their close knit groups and they fuel each other into believing the lies about themselves in a destructive cycle the never gets them anywhere, they just drop in an out of based on whatever circumstance is thrown at them without any real direction outside of their personal reality. i simply dont get.it.... and what's worse is their undying loyalty to each other against outsiders, which ironically proves to be meaningless when it pits them against each other, only then do they find how selfish they really are.
mostly things like this dont bother me because i'm not involved in it, i intentionally keep myself from these situations, in either participating or observing, i just try to avoid it all together. however, like i said, last night i played a show, mostly it was a favor to a friend that asked me to participate, and i walked right into this world.
her friends, including her, all love each other so damn much, and they've reached the pinnacle of the little world they've created for themselves where they're all talented and on their way to a bigger brighter future in the entertainment industry. now i support their lifestyles, i support their liberal stance on art and expression, i have no problem with their exploits, but if they think they can stand on two feet in the real world with the crap they're telling each other they have a big slap in the face coming, a slap that will haunt their dreams and make them cry for many nights to come.
this.isnt me projecting my fears on people i'm jealous of, trust me on this, i'm well aware of where i stand, i dont consider myself any better then them or any more potentially successful.
but believe me when i say the way they kiss each others asses is just disgusting, it makes me want to slap them in the face and show them just how impossible what they want really is.
i'm not a believer or an advocate of "anything is possible", i believe in miracles but i cannot stand behind blind faith. i believe in hard work, i believe in persistence and determination, i believe in making something happen by way of skill, not waiting for life to "deal you a good hand" i believe that if you want something, you must earn it.
i take back any statement that implies this girl or her friends could never succeed in the industry, the only point i really want to get across is that it just upsets me when i walk into a room of people lying to each other and lying to themselves, i dont mean to imply that i dont want them to succeed, i just dont like people who COULD attain something, fail because they were waiting to be given something they should've gone out to get.
i dont like people who compliment my artwork, i appreciate it, i respect it, and i thank you, but i would rather someone told me why they didnt like it, so that i can consider how to change things for the better then for someone to say they like it because they "just do"
having a community where positive reinforcement exists and common interest is something that i support, is something i hope people look for and achieve, but like i said, i just cannot stand when these things become more harmful then beneficial, no one should ever feel obligated to lie or support something they dont believe, and when someone starts believing something because they're biased and no longer open for outside opinions they should consider the idea that they might be wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i've been writ.ing for an hour.... its now five in the morning.... fuck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i dont know why i'm such a dick, or why i feel the need to judge so harshly.... i know there's a lot about me that i want to get rid of, and i also know there's a lot about me i wish i could get back, either way, even though i'm dick and i say things that are mean in this journal, i'm glad i'm writing them down because how can ever hope to change my thought process if i cannot look it.in the face?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
for me;
success is not the goal, its about creating because i must, its about creating the images and music that seeks to destroy my mind. to free them from the prison that is my own imagination.
i do not make art to make money, i make money to make art
and i will not stop until i'm no longer physically able, and on that day i shall retreat to my dreams where i'll create until the day i die.
~~~
~~
~
i know you're sleeping babe but if you weren't so persistent to go home at the end of everynight i would crawl into bed and wake you up with kisses, and while everynight you're hear you keep yourself from falling asleep in my arms even though i so wish for you to just fall, in my head i'm glad you're home snug in your bed. the idea that you're wrapped in your blankets dreaming about me makes me smile in a way i cannot accurately put into words.
the sky is turning blue and the night is turning to day, curse you energy drinks i use for work that keep me awake at night.
i'm going to go lay down and hope the world stops spinning long enough for me to sleep....
i hope this entry makes you hate me, because the sweet is never as sweet without the sour.
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| BAH |
[27 Jun 2009|03:52am] |
so in news that upsets me,
my xbox has the red ring of death. AGAIN. this will be my 3rd refurb, yay me.
two nights ago my internet wasnt working, but i didnt care because i had to sleep, but when i woke up the next morning it STILL wasnt working and that pissed me off.
i've had taylor swift stuck in my head for a while now, her songs are just too damn catchy.
and its four in the morning, i really shouldnt log on for a random type fest.
~~~
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~
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| blahby |
[22 Jun 2009|12:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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paused. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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D + L - (demo) happy beat |
] |
so i'm in a night that can only be described as a stalemate, nothing achieved but i'm not letting the nothing (not from never ending story, HAHAHA, or maybe it is) get the best of me. despite my efforts its basically a stalemate, minus the doing of necessary little things, like washing clothes, cleaning my room, that sort of mundane mess. i'm letting this song i wrote for someone play continuously on repeat, i sort of appreciate my music, and then i just sort of despise it, i really couldnt tell you why, maybe its because i dont respect myself as a musician. i mean i say musician but mostly i just consider myself a fraud. though i probably write more music then most "musicians" i know anyway...
in other news, i'm finding putting a "due date" if you will makes me achieve things faster then i normally would, it was something that came to my mind during a conversation with Lindsay, it's actually something i noticed about her that i applied to myself and found i follow the same pattern.
Blaire and I have a show coming up on saturday night and i'm finding we've made such progression in such a short amount of time because hell, we really have no other choice, it's either we're ready to play the show, or we go on stage in front of people i've never met at least and blow ass. which of course i'm not going to do, so i've stepped up my game and written 2 originals in styles i've never written and learned 2 covers in genres i have no interest in. all for the sake of a very talented young lady, i mean i'm sure people will say nice things to me when the show is done, but i get a bigger kick when i assist other people in their success. what can i say, it makes me feel important, even if i let them take all the credit.
*later in life i'll want to figure out the psychological reason for the last paragraph, so i'll note here to read it again some day.*
i had a plan last week to practice with Tony for an acoustic open mic night at this hookah bar in the valley, which for some unknown reason to me at the time we have not done, but i really want to play a show damn it all, and i know i'm playing a show on saturday but that's with someone else, i want to sing and play the songs that i've written in front of an audience, even if i dont invite anyone that knows me and the audience, if any, are complete strangers who have no pretenses about anything i'm going to play them. in any case, i've told tony, we're going to practice tuesday and wednesday and then play the show thursday no matter what, i figure the worst that can happen is we just dont play there again, i'll never see those people after that night and even if we suck its not like we're the first people to play a bad show. its just for a while i was playing a lot of shows, with Scarlett, with Eternities Chain, with Ross, we were everywhere and then suddenly we were no where. i hate people who quit.
Speaking of people who quit, i'm now listening to the fake demo i've written with Lindsay, i say fake because its existed for over a year with little progression other then the few times we actually work on it, yet we've managed to write five collaborations and she's actually churned up 2 originals, one i've heard, the other she wont show me because she wants it to be done in her mind, i've conceded that i may never hear this piece. she's not really a quitter, we just should actually work on the damn thing, and to be honest though i am proud of the fact that when i met her, her attempts at writing original music was mostly non existent, she had ONE little thing that i made her turn into an entire piece, not finished of course, but a piece none the less. Currently we're working on her ability to play what she hears in her head, mostly because there's times she's laying on my bed, i sit at the piano and play something random, she loves it, and i say something along the lines of "that's the last time you'll ever hear that piece" in an obvious melodramatic tone, HAHAHA, and though i know she's kidding she says, "that makes me sad" i cannot help hearing something one moment and forgetting it the next, it just happens. while not the best way to write, i want her to be able to feel the notes in her mind on the keys, and be able to play them. she's getting better at it, only time will tell.
it's father's day, which mostly means nothing to a lot of people, including me apparently, i called my dad, said happy fathers day, he asked me what i was doing, i told him i was going to work, and he said have a good day, make a lot of money and that was it. he's in texas by the way, there's no gifts or dinners in my family, every time i buy them something they usually put it down and spend more time talking about useless things, they get such a kick out of small talk i think they're just happy to be involved in so many people's lives. i have 9 siblings by the way and most of them have children.
i wonder what i'll be like as a father..... while i could go on about the topic i'll simply say i'm too young and stop typing.
lord... it's already 12:30, why is my mind only awake and ready to start a good day in the middle of the night?
iv'e grown tired of writing in this journal at the moment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(talking about a different piece then the one in the beginning) i dont know that i like this song... and i think i love it, i wrote it because it reminded me of a Dany Elfman piece, and yet as it stands it sounds nothing like danny boy, i think its because i channel things and then i fail. haha,
fuck.
i dont get crushes, not like i dont have them but that i dont understand them, why do we feel the need to fixate on something, or someone? i hear she's back with her ex.... i hate that fucker, she used to talk so much shit about him, when he would come up, i mean hell there was kind of a constant reminder.... its funny to me that i have such a longing for the girls that were attracted to me that i sort of ignored once they're gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
on a side note i'm really not comfortable with some of my thoughts on subjects of late, i'm taking this time to acknowledge how stupid i sound and i need to work on it, but the dryer is calling and i need to fold some clothes.
~~~
~~
~
p.s. i know you have a conflicted relationship with your father eric, some times you say he's a douche that will never change and you hate him, some times you show sympathy and defend him out of what ever obligation in your head misguided or not, then there's times you feel sorry for him at the fact that he's just a simple guy in a simple life he'll never escape, but however you feel about him today, a day called father's day where we're supposed to show some sort of support for the "fathers" of our lives cannot be easy for you, or maybe it is. who knows? but i just want to say i hope you had a good day anyway. it's tragic that even though we consider ourselves strong individuals, its the effects of so many people around us that make us who we are. Individual... maybe, but only because of the masses of people who are forces we cannot escape. you're a good man, whether your father knows it or not.
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| Begin. |
[17 Jun 2009|01:41pm] |
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mood |
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 dorky |
] |
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music |
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Golden Axe |
] |
"Watch that crossfire boys"
hahaha, oh Luke... you silly son of the chosen one.
Alright, now that the wave of old school is behind us, we can continue. Today is a day filled with meetings for the week ahead!
lots to do, lots to get done, i work tomorrow, which sucks seeing as it's Lindsay's day off and i want to spend it with her, but if i dont see her tonight, i'm sure i'll see her after i get off tomorrow.
the to-do list is really full today, i've got some of it done, but it begs the question why am i here updating? haha.
well on that note, i'm off,
~~~
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~
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| Memory Lane. |
[16 Jun 2009|03:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sorry. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Things from '00 through '02 |
] |
i'm starting to wonder if i like the fact that this journal has all the things in it that it does. i mean... holy crap...
it has A LOT of things from my past in it....
i just re-read most of the vanessa saga, first from her perspective, and then some how i switched over to mine and i kept going long into her cheating on me, the after math, me being in texas, and HOLY HELL.
i mean....
wow....
was i really that person? was i really that young and foolish? at least in the moment anyway, i must say... yes, yes i was. i find it interesting though how in some entries i was raging and hormonal and then when people would comment on my foolishness, my next entry was always a well thought relaxed entry, spell checked and thesaurus used. hahaha.
First of all, i would like to say that my relationship with vanessa was both foolish and damaging on MANY levels, i honestly couldnt explain here how much so, and if you read it like i just did, you would know, probably fearing much worse because you didnt actually live it. While now after so much time has passed, the effect appears to be minimal, i now wonder how i ended up here as i am instead of in some institution praying for something that wasnt real.
holy hell.... how can i even begin to talk about this... i dont even know that i should, i'm thinking just keep these thoughts hidden deep away and let them burn with the journal.
beyond everything that was hidden in those entries, the one thing that hurts a lot, is the fact that it was such a rough and rocky time for relationships that now, in this moment, i treasure very deeply.
Eric
Jake
Jake was deep in his Natalie saga, and some how, either through vanessa or because of her, natalie began to hate me and because she was with jake, his involvement with her kept him from me. All interesting seeing as Natalie was the reason i met Vanessa, and i was the reason Natalie met jake.
Eric... oh Eric.... to be honest i'm actually ashamed to say that he and i have probably had more fights in our history then good moments. Not true, but it really feels like that, and right now i'm hurting, i'm hurting because that kid means a lot to me, i'm not sure what i mean to him, and its really taken something like reading through my journal professing my hate for him to realize how much of an ass i was and how i should've been a better friend. Sure mistakes were made on both sides but that doesnt mean i had the right to act the way i did. when i think i really dont even remember if him and i are on good terms in this moment. i hope we are. i seriously want to drive to his house and give him a hug or something. we've both been through a lot of shit and there's nothing but more shit flying at our faces. we're dreamers in a world designed for business men with pocket books. i'm armed with a piano and a notebook of empty dreams, he has a canvas and an ocean of ideas, paint brushes and notebooks of infinite lives.
Aerick the Iconographer.
i salute you, "i'm your biggest fan."
i dont know what else to write... i'm actually tired, i mean it is 3 in the morning or something like that...
i have a lot of work to do tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
brothers from the beginning,
until the end.
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| Inspired. |
[09 Jun 2009|06:34pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Yann Tiersen (pick a song to play and then read) |
] |
June gloom,
i've never heard of this, and i've never heard of it referenced as far back as i can remember, and yet i'm almost envious at the idea that it exists and i've been missing out on it all these years. In the four years since i've been back in california, the seasons have never quite been right, and while i've been in the middle of the exact type of weather i've always wanted, i can honestly say i've never had the perfect winter in the middle of june. yet everyday i wake up, and the clouds are in full bloom, the air is cool to the touch but never disturbing and the sun is hidden away behind the grey skies, this is my type of day and month. As happy as i am to see it though, i find myself in an interesting financial situation, (when the fuck is it normal?) and i'm working a lot so i'm finding it hard to go out and enjoy it.
its odd to me that the pictures are coming back... i feel my time in music may be coming to a close, interesting as i've yet to fully develop what it was i was trying to accomplish, but slowly, how the piano notes form in my brain and i'm piecing together a song i've stolen from the air the images and film scenes that once used to make up my fragmented mind are coming back.
its funny because of the journey i walked that took me so far from them has ultimately led me right back to where i started, fresh off the boat with ideas i have no actual means of accomplishing but a will that wont just let me sit there drinking my life away wondering "what if?"
~~~
random thought
i want to learn how to sail. not the bull shit pirates of the caribbean, i'm overly obsessed with pop culture rich white guy i can sail nonsense. i want to legitimately learn how to take a boat a single man can pilot, have the knowledge enough to navigate from the stars and go out into the ocean and sail.
the boat is rocking and there isnt a chance of land anywhere for a miles, i'm laying here with nothing but the stars and the moon igniting the sky, the universe without light pollution can be an intoxicating thing, like a woman you've fallen in love with at first sight. the wind is just softly blowing and i know its my mind but your scent hits me and nothing would complete this moment but you in my arms.
if only i knew how to sail, if only.
~~~
i remember the drive home after the Yann Tiersen concert, it was filled with interesting conversation and a perhaps the most unusual emotions i've felt in recent times. it took me back to a conversation Lindsay and i had had about his music, we were laying there for whatever reason and she said, "i love his music, it makes me feel like i'm flying and falling at the same time"
its funny how you find someone that compliments you in more ways then perhaps you'd like, its as if she has the password into whatever barrier it is i've built and while it allows her to capture a certain beauty i admire it also makes me vulnerable and that is something i do not like.
that is how i feel right now, like i'm flying and i'm falling at the same time.
i've added a lot of things to my "to do" list and while in this moment it can seem a bit too much it is shy compared to what life i hope to live, so if i'm falling now, i perhaps should rethink my life goals.
or i should just enjoy this moment. Its not everyday you get to live the life you want to live.
i'm off....
there's things i should really be doing.
~~~
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~
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| update. |
[31 May 2009|10:57pm] |
alright.
so, photonight demo is nearing completion, and i know i've been saying that forever, but we redid everything from scratch, so we're actually close, planning the photoshoot, and the web site. we have an acoustic show on friday, that should be interesting.
in other news, i'm starting up 2 web series, one is pop culture oriented, the other is based on video games, so we'll see how that goes.
busy week....
monday practicing with 2 bands...
tuesday filming 2 shows...
wednesday hanging out with the lovely...
thursday's up for grabs actually,
and friday i'm playing a show.
fuck.
lets see if it goes the way i'm planning.
shall we?
~~~
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~
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