the sword
It's 6am christmas eve morning... I havent slept yet and my mind is racing with thoughts of everything... The past, the future, mostly just things I want but for whatever reason have alluded me...

I'm so sick of everything.

I could write about how good things are, I can remember how good things were, I can complain about how things are and I can complain about how things were. How i'm so much better now, or how I was so much better then....

Does any of it make any fucking sense anymore?

If i'm being truly honest i've never been happy with any of it... Thats not to say there hasnt been great experiences through it all, but this life is not the one i want to live....

at 6am on christmas eve i just want to drown it all out... I'm sick of caring about stupid shit like fonts, color correction, sound design, camera angles, special effects, my life has become a series of jargon and bullshit. But you know what? I do care, i care more then i can explain, i care so much that it fucking hurts, I care enough that it causes me mental anguish and i cant sleep until I fix the mistakes and make it better, at least enough to get through the night...

The word suicide pops in my head but that's not it, I dont want to die, I'm way too selfish and love life too much, but I want to figuratively commit suicide, I want to escape this fucking overly driven obsessive asshole that i've become. I wish i could put a fucking gun to my head, pull the trigger and wake up normal... someone who sleeps at regular hours, enjoys drinking and hanging out with friends, just being a normal member of normal society and just live one day without stressing about all the stupid shit i stress about.

That wont happen though....


i wanted to be launched by my birthday, i figured it would be a gift to myself and it would be awesome to launch on 12-12-12 but that didnt happen... I was scheduled every freakin day you can imagine, the only day i had off WAS my birthday. i spent my 26th birthday running errands and doing stupid shit i wish had another day off to do, but i didnt...

Next day i had planned to launch was christmas day, but let me tell you, that isnt going to happen, the things i need for that to happen are not complete. Instead of working on a trailer which is what i wanted to be doing, i've been locking down shots for the final videos, which i guess if i weigh one vs the other, finalizing shots kind of beats the trailer.

One thing that's really bothering the shit out of me is this plugin i REALLY need to work just isnt... granted it's pirated and who knows what the fuck is wrong with it. it costs just over 100 bucks and it's really the only plugin i've ever considered actually paying for so tomorrow i'm going to make it my christmas gift and just buy the fucking thing. The fear however is that the reason the plugin is not working isnt because it's pirated at all, it's because of the computer and if that's the case, sure i'll get a refund but I dont want the damn money i want the plugin to work god dammit.

frustration settles in....


i spent 2009 - 2011 with this girl i didnt really appreciate.... I fell in love with her as she was already done with me and that was the tragedy of it all... the truth is that we were terrible for each other, we had nothing in common and i'm pretty sure i was just the type of distraction she was looking for, she was a full time college student who at one point worked 2 jobs and still managed to sneak over to my house every night (she lived with her parents who didnt know i existed) Talking about her actually feels good for some reason... i imagined it would bring up sad memories and make me feel worse but it actually doesnt... I loved her and i treated her like shit and she ended it to save herself, I hate her for how she ended it, but i understand why. It's moments like this i want her back... 6am and typing blindly into the internet. the problem is that for the past year without her I've made myself so busy I'd never have time to see her when she wanted to see me. I work 6 days a week and every moment i'm not there i'm on the console editing, composting effects, sound design (all the shit i said i wish i didnt care about) and all she would be is a distraction, something to procrastinate with... Girls are so easy to get lost in, so soft and engaging, i do miss having one so close but they can be such a drain on passion, eating away the desire for anything else. The girls of my past quickly became such addictions that hardly anything else ever got done. Letting her go was the most productive thing i've ever done.


I'm done with this for the moment.

I'm so sick of trying to find "artists" to collaborate with, they're so full of shit, most of them just want money and their art isnt worth their asking price to begin with. Some of them even when the money is offered they still fucking flake. What the fuck is wrong with these assholes? This is why so few people succeed in the entertainment industry, they dont have the will to persist, to fight and fight even when there's no hope and nothing worth fighting for, you just keep pushing and pushing because that's the only option, there is no giving up, there is nothing else. and this is also when i find some measure of success and these bitches come back and beg and want to work with me or want to know me or want to associate with me or want MY help they can all go fuck themselves. I need them now, i need your help now, i need your skills now, join now when the chips are down, join now when there's work to be done, join me when everything is fucked and we'll reap the rewards together, because i promise you if you dont, you'll become a target and you'll beg for the day i offered you my alliance.

fuck everyone else, we dont need them.


poetry at 5am
the sword
I see the world in my dreams
and then record it,
documenting hopes
like an idealistic poet.
Deciphering the message
as if i have something to say,
The theories have no credence
but I'll produce them anyway.
A dreamer hopeless and confused
the path is nothing,
just abuse,
I close my eyes and feel the noose
and with a prayer comes a truce.
I am a slave unto my dreams
just a player incomplete
I play the notes and feel release
but with completion
all retreats.
A master trudging as a slave,
A hero posing as a knave.
I see the world
and want to reciprocate it's stories,
the truth with the legends
the good times and the follies.
For history is knowledge
and knowledge is the power,
But i'll write my own destiny
and be the one laughing in the final hour.

Accepting Things
the sword
How do you accept that you're a bad person?

I dont know the validity to the claim that i'm a bad person per se... but lately i've been thinking about the last relationship i was in and some of the shitty choices i made while in said relationship... i look at some of these things and think... wow... i was kind of a douche. I mean i can EASILY psycho analyze myself down to the breath i was taking as to why i did what i did, but does that really matter? i'm tired of justification, when it comes down to it, i was a freaking douche and i just dont want to be...

The funniest part about it is that i'm so far removed from the relationship, i've moved on, she's moved on and no epiphany is going to change anything really, i dont want to be with her nor she with me so even if what could be considered "problems" of the past were fixed it doesn't change anything. My mind is just thinking about things about myself i dont like and that i should alter them, grow beyond them.

However in this moment, i find myself finding it very hard to just accept... I'm a shitty person, who does shitty things.

I had a physical relationship with this woman for 2 years and i was spoiled. She was not perfect but she was definitely better to me then i deserved and I was used to having access to her physicality and i miss it. Sex is such an easy scape goat but sex such a small part of what a woman gives when she spends a great deal of time with a man.

I miss it, and even if i dont miss that, i miss the impression of it, the lie that i still have it.

This is battle i face at the moment, between what i want... and what i want.

Let me elaborate. Currently i'm in the home stretch of editing all the projects i've spent the last year working on. On the cusp of releasing to the world and suddenly my mind decides to indulge in estrogen and get lonely. I express that last sentiment with as much sarcasm and resentment as i possibly can. Social interaction eludes me or rather I it... however you slice it, I go from one work extreme to another without any hope of just enjoying life and letting go... I'm just fighting... I'm not saying i've forgotten what i'm fighting for, but there are people in my life who've decided social importance is more desirable then fighting for your dreams, I'm not in any way saying this is what i want but the short term gratification is dark side tempting me away from the hard work of long term success.

I know what they have is an illusion, i know because most of them tell how unhappy they are and how they wish they something worth fighting for.

I just wish people understood that even though i have something worth fighting for, a dream i've spent years hunting down and even though i have direction, it's a lonely battle.

Me versus the world.

I want to cuddle with my ex and watch stupid T.V. shows she cares about that i have no interest in. I want to play Video games with my friends and achieve nothing. I want to go to disneyland and spend all of my money with the people i care about. I want to escape the fight and just hide.

maybe i'm scared...

I want to change the world, but every day i wake up and realize it's the world changing me.

questions i dont actually care if answered.
the sword
where the fuck does pent up anger go?

is it "stored" in our minds? some people like to think of our minds as bank vaults, like you can put things inside them, you often hear things like "locked away" or "buried deep" but what the fuck do these figurative statements actually equate to?

i'm angry a lot lately, angry at the things i cannot change, angry at the people i cannot change, angry at decisions i cannot change just fucking angry. maybe i'm just angry right now... it's 4 in the morning and i cant sleep because i took a 5 hour energy earlier and even though it has far exceeded said 5 hours i'm naturally an insomniac so any increase in stimulants like caffeine and i can probably stay awake for days...

i'm sick, which sucks dick, and even though i've progressively gotten better over the past few days, it is still quite annoying experiencing the fluctuating symptoms of what ever bull shit virus my body is fighting. it's like my health level is bi-polar, feeling chipper and attentive one minute and the next congestion makes my mind want to explode.

i'll try to explain some things.

as i read that back i know its a lie, i'm going to continue writing this fragmented stream of conscious until whatever momentum i have is depleted and then i'll try to go to sleep. masturbation as a tool to make myself tired has already proven futile so perhaps light and technology deprivation may help though i've spent many a hour tossing and turning in the dark, praying for my body to inject my mind with melatonin and most of the time without any success.


i dont know if you read this, and if you do, why? but i think about you in these insatiable moments, i want you and you're not here, i crave you and there's nothing i can do about it. i would text you but i know you're busy, most of the time i'm busy...


i hate expectations, i hate having them, i hate imposing them on people, i hate when they're imposed on me but without expectations how can we have standards? without standards how can we have progress? without progress how can we expect results?

friends... fuck friends and yet i miss them and need them now more then ever. i need back up, rotation, substitutes, i need to clock out for a while and recharge my fucking batteries.

but then again why does anyone deserve that? why does anyone deserve? why the fuck does anyone owe me?

fuck you.

i cannot stop, i will not stop.

life is not about getting what you want, it's not about the sudden realization of your every dream. life is about the fight to get there, life is about the journey, the struggle, every moment between when you realize what you want and the war you wage to get it.

i would hate to be robbed of these moments, young, ambitious and full of the foolishness we call hope. the human flaw that makes us capable of things so great and terrible it makes you wonder if it's meant for good or evil.


i want to grab a beautiful woman and hold her while i sleep, not sexual and i dont even know for intimate but i want her warmth, i want her skin, i want her scent, i want to be indulged and wrapped in her body and just sleep.

do i miss my ex? i dont think so, but she was a beautiful woman i held while i slept,

and right now i miss that.


what am i doing...?
the sword
I'm so angry about so many things, how the fuck do i explain this?

my "to-do" list is a mile long, i dont have much time to deal with it, and rather then deal with it, or even i dont know? consider dealing with it, i'm contaminating my mind with bull shit thoughts of my ex. i have a huge day tomorrow and rather then sleeping and getting ready for it, i'm awake like a complete idiot at 3 in the morning. i dont think about her when i'm happy or things are going great, i think about her late at night, when i'm tired and stress is beating my mind senseless, almost as if my defense mechanisms dont have any juice left so she comes running in. that sounds like a symptom though when i read it back... i guess the problem is i'm not really over her. then again what the fuck does that even mean? there's people from decades ago that i'm not "over" for one reason or another but is that really a problem? actually maybe... hahahaha.


i need the ability to turn my room into a hyperbolic time chamber, because tonight i need to sleep a lot to wake up feeling refreshed and ready for tomorrow. but thanks to getting out of work at 1 in the morning and then needing a few hours to wind the fuck down that's not going to happen... i'm going to wake up feeling as tired and delirious as i feel right fucking now.


and i just watched some footage from my last shoot and i'm fucking pumped again. fuck yes. tomorrow we ride!!! energy drinks can cure all!

the sword
Your kiss washes over me like the ocean, a force with such grace and power. an essence that i feel long after i've left it's presence, laying in my bed, i can still feel the water waving through me. your body... crashing on top of mine, my heart races, my fingers caressing every inch of your greatness, desperately racing to explore as if time itself stood to end.

You linger in my thoughts and i want to wrap your body around my intention. watching you writhe and quiver with ecstasy at my every caress, i cannot help but be caught in the beauty that is your euphoria. i'm speechless, but every thought i feel and every sentence i cannot say is expressed with such finesse and cunning by your lips and by your tongue that i'm immobile. chasing my hands to catch up with my desire and holding them back so that i'm not lost in you for days.

The passion consumes me and your body pressed against mine fills me with such resolve. The only Fear i have is fear that the woman destined to replace you have such a challenge that could never be fulfilled, for a scar so deep, rather an experience so great that few things neither actual or fantasy could match.

Desire forged so reckless i dont know that i could contain it, but more importantly one must ask why would i want to?

i can unleash such a prowess that could ravage you incapacitated and while you would challenge your ability to endure, my intent is to put it to the test, see how far we can push each other and how great an elation can be achieved.


so every time i take a crack at the to-do list it does indeed get smaller, there's so much progress happening that i allow myself these brief moments of free thought. but no more! back to the slave wheel! there's too much at risk!

i'm sure there's a real update needed but this journal is dead... perhaps saved by my desire for anonymity, except i'm trying to be famous so what the hell? i guess what i mean is there's a person i want the public to know and love and respect and then there's the crazy posted in this bad boy. good for some, bad for many.

in any case, i'm off to sleep. 4am and too much to do.


the sword
its 4 in the morning and my mind is pounding away.... the past... the present and the future...

i'm tired because i've been so busy and i just want to sleep but i cant... there's so much to do and i literally cannot afford to do it...

what causes sadness do you think?

how can humans be happy and content one minute, and completely miserable the next?

ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space.

cellar door.

i want you in my arms so bad... i want you in my arms.

you reading this, whoever you are, whenever you are, come to this moment, this dark moment somewhere between asleep and awake and find me.

dont lose your way now.

we've come so far, we are nearly there.

i dont really want to post this.

fuck it

oh journal...
the sword

honestly what the fuck am i going to write in you that's going to make any kind of sense anymore...?

its been something like 2 years since i've written anything that could make any kind of sense as far as continuity... i guess its a good thing you're not a script huh?

a little over 2 years ago i dated this mormon chick that i was kind of in love with and wanted to marry, during the happy parts its hard to write in a journal because you're too preoccupied with being happy. Then when it got bad i didnt want to write because i was depressed and i was hoping it would get better. that didnt happen...

i started seeing a new girl that i've been with ever since. it started as something more "friends with benefits" but she lost her virginity to me and i never had intentions of dating anyone other then her, so basically it was just a more casual way of starting a relationship.

we're not quite broken up and we're not quite together at the moment, i would write more about this but its not the center of my attention at the moment.

lets go back to being 16 for a moment and i never realized how at that age without even realizing it you're laying down the foundation for what could potentially be the rest of your social life. fuck me if someone would've said that to me then i would've thought harder about my personal connections. i'm not saying i'm not going to meet new people and start amazing new friendships but i'm 25. my "oldest" friends are from that time, and being 16 doesn't sound that long ago but every time i turn around i'm older and 16 and being a teenager gets further and further away. no, this isn't one of those mortality moments, i know i'm young and still in the infantile state of what will eventually become my adulthood but never the less, the people i thought were filling up my "A - Team" my "fellowship" my "band of brothers" turned about to be a bunch of fucking pot head, lazy, alcoholic, typical suburban kids. 4 out of the 5 people i thought would be apart of my bad ass space cowboy posse (i shit you not) still live at home with their parents.

I'm not talking, they went to college tried it out in the real world and moved back home to save or something "acceptable" i'm talking they never fucking left in the first place. they still live in the god damn rooms i met them in, almost a decade ago.

this is discouraging and more depressing then i could possibly explain in this journal at 5:46 in the morning. by the way i have yet to go to bed... i've spent the last 4 hours attempting to write, edit and solve problems i have no financial means of solving. (more on that later)

the point of this rant about my disappointment in my "friends" (as if i have some right or justifiable reason to judge) is because my chosen trade is film maker, and to make a film it requires a team, a team of people with various talents all culminating together resulting in a product and the "team" i set up for myself all those years ago has let me down time and time again...

this sounds selfish as i type it, and i havent even read it back yet. there's a whole fucking back story to each and everyone of the disappointments but typing them all out would be a long and pointless process and all it would do is attempt to justify my point of view to someone i'm pretty sure doesn't care in the first place. so i wont bother. the point is i dream big for all of us and i want all of us to succeed but the more time passes and the more the things i try to get everyone to do fail, the more i realize success isn't in all of our futures... i'm not saying i'm destined for something they're not but they're not trying anymore...

they just sit there... i'm out here fighting every damn day and i just need a little help and where are they? why dont they come fight by my side? strangers that i've met and recruited through the internet have been better friends and ally's then the people i've known for years...

why is this?

i dont know...

i'm through working with people that "have something special" or are "talented"

let me explain something to you, hell, i'm not even sure who the fuck you are, but talent means NOTHING, you think you're special? who gives a fuck? you cant get "discovered." Legends are not born, they're MADE. forged through hard work and PERSISTENCE. try and fail and try and fail over and over again until you succeed. if you want something, you must EARN it.

i've met so many fucking talented people who think they have what it takes and when i give them their chance, when i present them with an opportunity, time and time again they let me down... more importantly they let themselves down. proving not only what i knew all along but their deepest fears that they just didn't have what it takes.

there's a reason all you'll ever be is a fan and not a contributor, its not because you dont have the dream, hell its not even because you dont have the will. its simply because you dont have the courage to reach out and take it. its there, its waiting, but if you cant see the signs, if you cant step up out of your comfort zone and carpe diem then you're fucked my friend. and you deserve to be.

in this moment i'm bitter to all of them because right now i need them to help. i need them to get their shit together and join me, help me win this fight.

but believe me when i say i've made it this far alone and i dont intend on stopping if they dont help. i just wish this was a perfect world and i could keep them close because they're familiar and i dont want to lose that.

but i'm not afraid to lose it, not afraid to walk away and never look back.

i tried to help all of you.

i wanted you there with me. brothers.

but fuck you for not being here with me, and i'll be damned if i slow down because of you.

maybe i'll see you all in another life when we are all cats.

until then.

*end transmission*


5 years ago.
the sword
"i dont understand what's wrong with me...

i know what needs to be done.

i CAN do what needs to be done and yet i dont do it.

am i lazy?

is their some subconscious ulterior motive...?

what the hell is wrong with me...?

it's like i dont want to do what i want to do.

i dont fucking know but it pisses me off...


this was written May 20th, 2006 and i feel exactly the same fucking way... it hurts a lot.

now i have learned a great deal since then and i'm far more well equipped then i've ever been yet i still cant help but feel bad. as if i've let myself down. hell i was 19 when i wrote that, and here i am at 24 and i'm looking at it as if i typed it for the first time. the good news is i'm not that person anymore, i dont face his insecurities, his lack of opportunity or ANY of the things that held me back then, and while that excerpt made it seem like i had a shot and i just let it pass me by, i assure you there was plenty of things keeping me from even doing the simplest of tasks, in the film industry or not. Sure there were things i could've been doing that i wasnt, but i was not even close to where i am today. There's multiple fronts to any battle and the game of life is about knowing which one to focus on at the right times, i guess my strategy has been behind the scenes for so long i forgot about actually producing content. a problem i've been trying to rectify for quite some time.

i understand this entry doesnt really explain anything at all, and i know there's so many aspects about me this doesnt cover, and its not saying anything about my personal life. but hey, so much of my journal is about that shit. its time to move on.


over a year.
the sword
holy crap...

it's been over a year since i've said anything to you....

i was trying to see what my life was like a year ago and i realized i was reading 2009 and i said to myself... "this doesnt sound like last year"

and that's because it was 2 years ago you son of a bitch. 2 years ago.

ugh... i was so ready to update on the "progress" of my life last year and here we are a whole year later with a whole new "update"


i'm going to try doing a day by day thing again. maybe that will work...

actually i'm thinking about starting a blog on a site with more traffic.

maybe keep this one secret?

i dont know...



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